Ahhhhh yes, the new year has arrived… and it has The Chef feeling, well, invigorated. Straight woke, fam. With the new year brings one of my favorite traditions; hearing people make bold, sure-fire predictions, only to see them fail miserably. Here are a couple of examples to wet the whistle…
In 1936 the New York times predicted a rocket could never leave the Earth’s atmosphere…
In 1946, a 20th Century Fox movie producer, Darryl Zanuck, proclaimed “Television won’t last because people will get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.”
How about Jon Kitna predicting 10 wins and a playoff birth the year the Lions went 0-16? I’m trying to forget.
Here at Bring Dad A Beer, we cover a plethora of topics, so my predictions will be all over the board. I will try to give every reader something they can look forward to… so without further ado, it’s time for Chef to dust off his crystal ball and channel his inner Ms. Cleo…
Prediction #1 – The Kardashians will start their own TV network. Hell, if Chip and Joanna have the power to do it, I don’t see why KK and crew couldn’t follow suit. I hear the youngest one is a Billionaire. Christ almighty. Go get yours girl, Chef ain’t mad at cha.
Prediction #2 – The Michigan Wolverine basketball squad will shake off the ghosts of past finals and cut down the nets this march. John Beilien looks to have the best defense he’s ever had in A2, mixed with offensive explosions from Charles Mathews and player of the year candidate Iggy B, the boys are poised to take down everyone’s favorite, Duke. Final score Good Blue – 65 Bad Blue -64
Prediction #3 – Since I have Michigan on the mind… Michigan State University will self combust into a huge fireball with the hand of God striking down that cesspool of sin. Tom Izzo will then be marched through the streets of Ann Arbor naked while we all throw rotten fruit at his head. (I may have just watched the season 5 finale of Game Of Thrones. For anyone who has seen GOT, try and tell me you weren’t picturing Izzo’s face on Cersi’s body as she walked through those streets). SHAME!!!
Prediction #4 – Elon Musk will prove all doubters wrong and send Teslas stock back up the charts faster than his rockets can fly! Look, I’ve been pretty hard on the guy these past few years. I don’t think anyone in history has made the claims he has made and came up as short as he has. Just yesterday he said the next Tesla roadster will actually “hover.” Hover! He also said he would man a mission to Mars this year. Either Joe Rogan sent him home with some incredible weed or he’s just crazy enough to pull it off. The Chef sees ya Elon, fake it till ya make it.
Prediction #5 – In a stunning turn of events, Donald Trump will convince congress to give him money for border security. Not to build a wall, but to put high powered satellites into space with the Trump Logo on them. These satellites, connected to thousands of drones, will “protect” our border. The Democrats will claim victory, but it’s what Agent Orange wanted all along. He now has all of the surveillance tools he needs to know what everyone is doing. Also, when Aliens (not illegal, but the green kind) pass our planet, they will know who is in charge. It will also give traction to the space force getting off the ground.
Welp, that does it for this year’s edition of “The Chef’s Crystal Ball.” Tune in same time next year when we look back and see how right I was!