NFL Playoff Beer Rankings

Get your bet slips ready. It’s time for me to give you my super un-professional opinion about what’s going to happen in the NFL playoffs. I’ll be using my extensive knowledge of watching upwards of ten NFL games this year, my player knowledge of running a close-to-last-place fantasy football team, and hearsay. Let’s do this!

To make this easier for everyone to understand, I’ll be using beer system, 1-5 beers sorta like hotel star rankings. The more beers- the better. I’ll be awarding teams beers based on whatever I damn well feel like. Also, the more beers I award, the better chance that team has to win the Super Bowl.

Before we get started, if you have never been a gambler or done sports betting before, any time you see a number like “+500” that is the amount of money you can win if you place a $100 bet on that team to win the Super Bowl.

AFC Rankings

Kansas City – 2.5 beers

Their quarterback sounds like kermit the frog. I don’t care how good your team is, no one that sounds like that will ever be able to utter the words “I’m going to Disney World” after a Super Bowl win. If you’ve never actually heard his voice, do yourself a favor and check out the video below to watch an interview he did on Fox. In my opinion there is no value in betting on KC to win it all at +450 because of one reason: they won’t win it all. #FrogGuy

New England – 4 beers


New England has the best quarterback that has ever lived on the face of this galaxy. They also have a decent coach. These 2 factors have them in the Super Bowl hunt this year, but I don’t think they have enough other tools to finish the job.

Houston – 4.5 beers

Houston has that defense that can travel so not having home field advantage will not be a problem for them. They also have a young quarterback which I usually hate in the playoffs but Watson is extremely smart and he has played in big games before. I think he can handle the Super Bowl stage. Remember, he is one of the few quarterbacks to ever beat Alabama, and he did so in the National Championship game. I’m also a big fan of DeAndre Hopkins. In a team filled with great guys, Hopkins is donating his opening round game check to help cover the cost of a local 7 year old girl who was murdered in a drive-by shooting. Combine that JJ Watt who last year raised 37 million dollars for Hurricane Harvey relief… these guys have some good karma coming their way! The Texans are +2500 to win it all and, spoiler alert, they are who I will be betting on.

Indianapolis – 1 beer

Andrew Luck is a dork.

Baltimore – 2 beers

Awesome defense as usual in Baltimore. However I look back at the quarterback situation and I’m not sure Lamar Jackson is ready for the big game. He’s a great young talent but like New England, there are not a ton of talent around him to make a serious push.

Los Angeles (Chargers) 4.5 beers

I’m falling more in love with the Chargers as the weeks progress. As a dad of too many kids, I can admire that Phillip Rivers is still performing at an elite level. This dude has nine kids!! Plus I have always been a fan of the chargers uniform. When I was in college, there was nothing better than LT in those powder blues:

The Chargers are a serious contender and someone that you should def keep an eye on. I love them at +1700 to win it all and I think that someone (not me) should lay 100 bucks on them and possibly thank me later.

NFC Rankings

New Orleans – 4.5 beers

Drew Brees is a true success story. He wasn’t wanted in San Diego after suffering what they thought would be a career ending injury. And that was AFTER he recovered from having this on his face in college:

I don’t know much else about the Saints this year but I do know that they open with a home game and basically will walk into the NFC championship. Whoever they play in that game, the Saints will have the upper hand in not only coaching, but experience. I like the Saints to make the Super Bowl and I do see value with them winning it all at +225 because they have a real shot.

Los Angeles (Rams) – 3 beers

People frickin love the Rams this year and I get why. They have an awesome defense. They also have been seemingly able to score at will on offense. However, I’m not 100% sold. I have no facts to back up why I’m not sold other than their coach is younger and better looking than me and I’m sorta jealous:

Look at those buns. This man is young, successful and rich. You can’t have everything and I’m drawing the damn line at the Super Bowl. That’s enough Sean McVay. ENOUGH. I do sorta like the +500 Vegas is giving the Rams to win it all but I can’t bet on them purely based off the McVay factor.

Chicago – 4 beers

They have such an easy opening round game that I all but guarantee they will win against the Eagles at home. I’m not loving their overall odds to win it all at +950 because they have to travel to New Orleans in the Divisional Round. Tough draw. I love Chicago’s defense but I think they won’t be able to score enough points to pull off the upset in The Big Easy.

Philadelphia – 1 beer

Their Super Bowl hangover is real. I’m not sure if they backed into the playoffs or not, but I’m going to say they did. They don’t have an identity on offense as they are still trying to figure out who is playing quarterback for them. I think their coach is out of tricks and this year they lose in the opening round to a very good Chicago team.

Dallas – 2 beers

Jerry Jones is too old to lift the trophy. I’m also not a big Amari Cooper fan since I traded him from my fantasy team the exact same time Oakland traded him to Dallas. He proceeded to have one of the better half season’s I’ve ever seen from a WR. Thanks for all your help Amari.

I’m also still bitter with Dallas because the last time my Lions actually had a shot to win a playoff game, it was against them and the refs. We were cheated out of our first playoff win in like 100 years so I hope they lose every year.

Seattle – 2 beers

Pete Carroll just bothers me with the way he obsessively chews his gum on the sideline. I bet even with all that gum, he still has coffee breath.

I’ve also heard their defense is depleted this year and I’m not even sure who plays running back for them. I give them no shot to win a single game past Dallas.


Look folks, like I said before at the top of the blog, I don’t have a clue what the hell is going to happen. This year I was busy chasing my kids around and I’m not even sure I hit the minimum amount of games required to consider myself an NFL fan.

With all that being said I can confidently say I think that Houston is going to win the Super Bowl over New Orleans.

No matter what happens I think we can all agree that it’s about damn time we have some more football to look forward to. NFL Playoff time is my 2nd favorite time of year behind March Madness. I personally can’t wait to see what unfolds… GO FOOTBALL!


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